October 15th

I do and don't want to write this. On Labor Day, we found out I was pregnant. I thought it was a super funny pun: "Labor Day." Anyways, we were expecting to have this baby around the end of April/first of May. I was nervous about becoming a mom of two and losing all my one-on-one time with Sophie, but excited about adding another little person to our home. I felt pretty nauseous for a while and super tired. Then I got my energy back and started feeling better. One part of my mind thought something was wrong, the other part thought I was just one lucky momma to have a fairly easy trimester. I had waited until about 12 weeks before we schedule a visit to the midwife. I had no major concerns and we were switching insurance so waited for that to sort out. The night before our appointment I had some bleeding, nothing major, but I was a little freaked. After a few hours the midwife recommended I go into the emergency room. It was eleven o'clock at night. Thankfully we've made some amazing friends here and I knew I could call her and she would come in a minute. She was there in four minutes and cleaned our whole house while we are gone. She's fantastic.

I hate hospitals. Besides babies, nothing happy seems to happen there. We dozed in and out waiting and I finally got poked for an IV, got an ultrasound, and an exam. The worst part was we received no conclusive news. I could tell on the ultrasound that there was nothing that looked like a 12 week old fetus. In fact, it looked empty. The ultrasound tech wouldn't tell us anything until he talked to the doctor. The doctor told us it was one of two things: the baby only made it to six weeks and hadn't progressed since or I was only six weeks pregnant. The math didn't add up for the latter, but we left terribly confused. Sad and confused. The next morning the bleeding had increased and I figured it was all over. We had our appointment that afternoon with the midwife and came to the conclusion that either my body was going to take care of this or I would have to come back the next week for a procedure. Oddly enough this all happened on October 15th which we learned is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Thankfully over the next couple days I was in loads of pain and my body took care of me. I'm grateful that the miscarriage happened as well as one could hope, with no complications. Physically I'm doing fine now, but the emotions come and go. Our ward has taken good care of us, but whenever some asks about how I am, I get flushed and want to change the subject. Having a miscarriage is an odd thing. It seems it's supposed to be all hushed up, but it's something that requires support from others to make it through it. The hardest part is that we already imagined our lives with this little spring baby. It was hard, but I'm glad how we made it through. Our hearts will heal and someday we will be blessed with another baby.